A new direction

I must. I must write. It doesn't have to be amazing, it just has to be readable.

One of the biggest problems for me is writing stuff out. I'm not sure if I see it as time consuming and my cancerous Procrastination Gland starts churning out juice like a motherfucker or if it's some fear of expressing myself that I can't pinpoint. Anywho, something to think about.

One thing I can express is music. I haven't played in years, putting bow to violin would likely get me kicked out of my house. But it feels like my fallback. I'm hoping by using it more I can more faithfully blog. Do some trial and error and see what comes out on top.



Maybe is one of the rare songs I first heard in the car. I'm not much of a driver, and of the few radio stations I like one is, ironically, the Christian Rock station. Radio songs are like crosswords. I have to record it so I don't forget the lyrics; have to search google for songs with the lyrics; have to find sound clips or pray there's a music video on youtube.

The song hits close this week. For months the relationship I've been in has felt strained. Even now I wonder if I can call it a relationship. But it was like a slow drip of morphine, happy at times, sad at others, but I was constantly wishing it would make up it's mind to stay or go. And now I feel like a druggy with this metaphor...

On Sunday I was given a final push. And thus Maybe, which had been sitting around for a few days, made itself much, much more applicable. I know I would be happier in a relationship, but when it feels like no progress is being made and I'm given hints they don't want to be in a relationship, then it's time to get the car out and not stop driving until it feels like there's some space. The slow drip didn't work, maybe rehab will be different.

I'm not sure if this post was too self-centered (ha! for a blog...) nor if it will be interesting to anyone else, but it feels like it helps. Just a little.