There's a backlist of half completed drafts sitting on this blog, include Halloween, some music reviews, some catch up of the last few months.
Lately I've been stuck on what to do with this blog. The balance between too boring, too often, too personal, too open, too revealing, too mundane...
Fuckit. This is what's on my mind.
I've been thinking about someone the past few days. We've been talking for a few weeks and developed a connection that (I believe) goes both ways. That's nice, isn't it? Everyone feels great falling into love.
Then I began thinking about it. About what if it could be more than long distance phone calls, texts, half naked pictures and smiling uncontrollably in front of my computer and him? And that's when I get in trouble.
He isn't in the US. To go see him it'd be about 1,300 sales at the dollar store. And more than anything I want to see if this is more than a young boy's crush, but I can't.
Problem two. I'm jumping into this too soon. I'm thinking about upending all my plans for life over someone I only know through a monitor and keyboard. I /know/ that I am jumping into it too soon, that this is the stereotypical Teenager Crush my immature heart decided to attach itself to. My heart seems to love doing this, attaching itself to someone unreachable. Fucking heart.
Besides feeling too emotionally immature, I believe I've not had the life experience he's had. I've been stuck in Brookings, South Dakota for 21 years of my life. I want to get out, I want to live... And I'm thinking about stopping school before my last year to do it. But the logical part of me says to stay, to stick with it for another year. Just one more year... and then I can go wherever I want. To be with whoever for however long.
It's not to say that I hate to be in love, but /normal/ people find themselves people not across an ocean, dare I say in the same area code. People that aren't still somewhat attached to a previous boyfriend, people that they might get to see more than once a year.
And most of all, I don't want it to turn out not working if we ever are together. You can't know that forever is forever, but thinking about all the people that feel like it's love and then fall out of it... makes me scared, to be honest.
I didn't want to be here, in this position. again. I didn't want to do this to myself, again. Life isn't giving me lemons, it's switching my heart out for a lemon and carrying it somewhere I can't reach. And I miss it.
Lately I've been stuck on what to do with this blog. The balance between too boring, too often, too personal, too open, too revealing, too mundane...
Fuckit. This is what's on my mind.
I've been thinking about someone the past few days. We've been talking for a few weeks and developed a connection that (I believe) goes both ways. That's nice, isn't it? Everyone feels great falling into love.
Then I began thinking about it. About what if it could be more than long distance phone calls, texts, half naked pictures and smiling uncontrollably in front of my computer and him? And that's when I get in trouble.
He isn't in the US. To go see him it'd be about 1,300 sales at the dollar store. And more than anything I want to see if this is more than a young boy's crush, but I can't.
Problem two. I'm jumping into this too soon. I'm thinking about upending all my plans for life over someone I only know through a monitor and keyboard. I /know/ that I am jumping into it too soon, that this is the stereotypical Teenager Crush my immature heart decided to attach itself to. My heart seems to love doing this, attaching itself to someone unreachable. Fucking heart.
Besides feeling too emotionally immature, I believe I've not had the life experience he's had. I've been stuck in Brookings, South Dakota for 21 years of my life. I want to get out, I want to live... And I'm thinking about stopping school before my last year to do it. But the logical part of me says to stay, to stick with it for another year. Just one more year... and then I can go wherever I want. To be with whoever for however long.
It's not to say that I hate to be in love, but /normal/ people find themselves people not across an ocean, dare I say in the same area code. People that aren't still somewhat attached to a previous boyfriend, people that they might get to see more than once a year.
And most of all, I don't want it to turn out not working if we ever are together. You can't know that forever is forever, but thinking about all the people that feel like it's love and then fall out of it... makes me scared, to be honest.
I didn't want to be here, in this position. again. I didn't want to do this to myself, again. Life isn't giving me lemons, it's switching my heart out for a lemon and carrying it somewhere I can't reach. And I miss it.
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